You know those stories that are so funny that you still find yourself telling them years after the fact? I think that intro is my fancy way of saying "Sorry if you've heard this one before, but it's high time I put it in writing somewhere. Also, sorry if most of these stories are gross. Turns out 27 years is not long enough to outgrow potty humor. Maybe 28 will be?"
So my freshman year at BYU, my roommate and I had this epic home teacher (fellow congregation member who visits you regularly to make sure you're doing okay and help out with any big projects you're working on). He was from rural Montana, dressed entirely in Army Surplus attire, and is the only person I know who's bested the gallon challenge.
One night he called our room from the lobby phone (that's right, I went to college before texting was invented) to let us know he & his companion were here for a visit and to ask if we would bring 5 cups or bowls down to the lobby with us. The roommie and I, expecting some variation of the food coloring and bleach object lesson, grabbed the requested ceramics and headed down. I should pause here to remind you that for two girls living in a dorm room with a mini-fridge, a meal plan, and a Sharon, those 5 mugs comprised our entire dish collection. And since we were expecting chemical reactions, we didn't exactly bother to wash them out. Two were actually clean, two were clean under a thin layer of accumulated dust, and one was used daily to soak my retainer in denture cleaner.
The twist? Three mugs, one from each category, were identical except for Sharpie initials on the underside. Imagine our surprise when food coloring and bleach turned out to be a half gallon of strawberry ice cream and a box of plastic spoons. A good hostess is quick on her feet (never mind the washes her dishes bit), so I figured I could just hold on to the retainer soaker, play with my food so it looked like I ate it, and no one would be the wiser.
Except that somewhere in the dishing up ice cream process, I ended up with the wrong identical mug. Realizing the mistake, I tried to surreptitiously peak at the bottoms of everyone else's mugs (just imagine that for some visual comedy), hoping against hope that roommie ended up with it and I could, you know, send her a warning look. But no. I found it just in time to see army home teacher scraping the sides. And then he started licking the sides. What was I supposed to do at that point? Tell him? It seemed a little late for that. Luckily my poker face lasted just long enough to get back into the stairwell before I busted up laughing.
And so, dear army home teacher (if you're reading this), I'm ever so sorry I mildly poisoned you with a residue of denture cleaner and plaque. And to all my other friends, I swear I've never fed you anything disgusting like that... unless you appear in the next episode of Greatest Hits.
3 comments:
I love that I made it into the list with a mini-fridge & a meal plan! :)
I was actually just thinking about freshman year the other day, when my parents would call me at your room instead of mine - that is, once Karin finally convinced them that I really was more likely to be there than my own. :)
Hahaha, yay! I'm so glad you posted this! The only thing I would like to add is that our dear home teacher exclaimed (after licking the sides clean), "That was REALLY good ice cream!" I'm impressed that we were able to make it to the stair well before laughing. I hope to see more stories! We have so many good ones. This made my day :).
ugh...we went to college BEFORE cell phones even. he had to use a land line to call you :) and as someone who turns 28 here in T-Minus7 weeks, the potty humor still isn't old. Maybe 29 - or maybe never cause know the little shiz's use potty humor and it cracks me up
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