Evie Says the Darndest Things

Things she has said to me today:
Speaking of Cinderella, "Aw man! I let her get married once and everything was ruined!"
Responding to Chet saying he knows his A-B-Sixes, "Ain't no thang!"
When asked to hold her new baby brother David, "I dare you to do it instead."
When we finally got out of our traffic jam on the 215 tonight "Hot dang!  Time to drive fancy!"
From the depths of her imagination "Hey Em?  Why did God make the world?" Me: "Because he wanted a beautiful place for us to come and live." Her: "So what you're saying is, He forgot about Mars?"
When she walked into an occupied bathroom stall at the hospital today, "Hi!  I'm Evie.  This is my princess backpack.  I have another backpack at my house.  Do you want to see it?  My aunt is also in this bathroom.  Do you want to meet her?"  Random stranger who is sitting in that stall sans trousers: *blank stare of confusion*
And finally, "When David lived in my mom's tummy, he only liked to move when her legs were still.  That means he's nocturnal.  Is he nocturnal because he was a dinosaur?"

Also, this feels like the appropriate time to mention that Chet licked the floor of a Chick-Fil-A today.  It's probably best for these kids that I'm not in charge that often.

Looks Like the Students Found Me

Apparently I'll be teaching courses in Remedial Toilet Papering next semester, because they seriously need one.  I worry for a generation that can't even pull basic pranks properly...

R.O.U.S.

So Brittany and I were sitting around watching the finale of Dancing With the Stars when we both started to hear this rustling sound, an unusually loud rustling kind of sound.  Thinking that we're both ninja hunters, Brittany paused the TV so we could use our sweet bat like hearing and triangulate the location of our trespassing rodent.  There have been mice in the kitchen before, and we thought it might be louder than a usual mouse if it was in the trash can or something...but then we got to the kitchen, and realized the sound was clearly coming from upstairs.  And then our courage failed us.  I took the first stab at it, but I only made it up to the landing before I got too freaked out and stopped.  Brittany was braver and climbed the outside of the upper stairs, and the intermittent rustling rustled again.  "It's totally coming from your room!" is the worst phrase in this situation, but it totally was, so we did the logical thing and ran screaming down the stairs.  At some point we may have even gone out the front door, but it's my story and I don't have to tell you that part if I don't want to. 

Lets just summarize the next bit by saying my bedroom emitted flailing sounds off an on through three shrieking phone calls with my papa (because that's what we empowered modern women do) and a few more investigation attempts, until we convinced Brittany's new boy to come be a man and kill it for us.  We were both kind of uselessly freaked out at this point by the realization that it was waaaaay too loud for a mouse, but not chirpy enough for a bird, which really only left raccoon or ROUS as our choices. 

Of course once the hunter showed up, the prey disappeared, and you know what thought is worse than "I have to catch a creature in my room!"?  Spoiler: it's "the creature in my room evaded us and is STILL LURKING!!!"  Luckily, we did finally find the culprit, and we took a picture of him with this random lady to put on my blog.  Okay that part was a lie.  Our culprit was none other than... a super scary Mylar balloon that had detached itself from my surgery*flowers and gotten stuck in the ceiling fan. 

You'd think I'd feel foolish admitting we spent an hour hunting a helium balloon, but I'm so relieved not to have a creature that I'm happy to tell you all about my real life episode of "I Love Lucy!"  If only our Ricky had a swarthy Latin accent...

*I may have neglected to mention that I had my appendix out four weeks ago.  That was another adventure for a different day.

So, This Happened Today

I got a text from a guy that I will be saving for a long, long time (the text, not the guy). I'm saving it because he's finally given me the perfect response for tactless people who ask if I'm "still" single because I'm too picky.

It's a picture of giant sheep testicles captioned "wish you were here!"

And that, folks, is what meeting people in the 21st century has come to. I rest my case.

Olympic Judging

One of the best parts the Olympic Games is the unique opportunity they provide to judge the naming skills of parents the whole world over. After the first two days of competition, here are the results of the Terrible Naming prelims:

Easily winning the first heat of Unintentionally Hilarious Foreign Names is gold medal favorite Dragan Stankovich of Serbia. As unfortunate as it is to have your name mean Malodorous Beastie, he wins incredible style points for correct usage of stank. He suffers a .2 point deduction for misspelling Dragon.

Are dragons supposed to have manes?

Current favorite in the Go Ahead Bob Costas. I Dare You race is Mongolia's Tsagaanbaatar Khashbaatar. His score is boosted by solid performances in the Awkward Consonant Combinations and Nonstandard Double Vowel categories, but rumor has it he may be disqualified for recycling two complete syllables.

He's a judo champion. Make fun of his name and he will probably wreck you.

And in the lead going into the Boy Named Sue finals we have Destinee Hooker of the United States. Her mother wins full points in both the Misspelled First Name and Obvious Child Hatred categories, with a 2 point bonus for exquisite Personal and Surname Coordination. Final round judges are expected to deduct .3 points for mispunctuation as it really should be Destiny: Hooker.

Forget you, Mom! My destinee is destroying people at volleyball.

We look forward to the medal round next week.

Sometimes the Awkward Isn't All My Fault

This is the story of how I got my world's worst driver's license picture, and before you say "oh come on, everyone has terrible driver's license picture," let me assure you that everything that follows is true. In fact, I almost included the picture in question just to prove it, but I can't do it. Apparently my willingness to self deprecate for the sake of a good story does know a few bounds, but I digress.

A few weeks ago, I went down to the DMV to get officially licensed as a Utah driver (I know. Sad day). The surprisingly friendly* clerk took my application, directed me to have a seat in the plastic chair, and started up an increasingly awkward conversation with me. It went something like this:

Clerk: Your last name is Cox? Is that your maiden name?

Me: *slightly disoriented because I don't usually think of it like that* Um... yes? I think...

Clerk: Do you have any family in Emery County?

Me: *disorientation is now amplified by the blinking flash on the camera* Nope. Not that I know of. I mean is that by Manti? Because if so, then yes.

Clerk: That's right by Manti. So you know Frank? And Judy?

Me: Oh. I should probably specify here that we're not that closely related and I've never met any of them. I think they're distant cousins through the other wife back in polygamist days.

Clerk: That's funny, because speaking of cousins and polygamists, my wife's maiden name is Cox and her parents were first-and-a-half cousins!

Me: *makes the face that you're making right now. It's one part confusion (first-and-a-half?!?!), one part revulsion (tries to figure out if that qualifies as incest), and one part general DMV awkward face*

Clerk: *click* Looks like a ... good ... picture. Head on over to booth 6 for your test and have a great day!

And that, my friends, is how to take an awkward driver's license photo like a pro.

*He may have been messing with me, but if so, it was highly effective. Good on ya, moderately gruntled civil servant!

Greatest Hits, or That Time I Fed Someone Off-Brand Denture Cleaner

You know those stories that are so funny that you still find yourself telling them years after the fact? I think that intro is my fancy way of saying "Sorry if you've heard this one before, but it's high time I put it in writing somewhere. Also, sorry if most of these stories are gross. Turns out 27 years is not long enough to outgrow potty humor. Maybe 28 will be?"

So my freshman year at BYU, my roommate and I had this epic home teacher (fellow congregation member who visits you regularly to make sure you're doing okay and help out with any big projects you're working on). He was from rural Montana, dressed entirely in Army Surplus attire, and is the only person I know who's bested the gallon challenge.

One night he called our room from the lobby phone (that's right, I went to college before texting was invented) to let us know he & his companion were here for a visit and to ask if we would bring 5 cups or bowls down to the lobby with us. The roommie and I, expecting some variation of the food coloring and bleach object lesson, grabbed the requested ceramics and headed down. I should pause here to remind you that for two girls living in a dorm room with a mini-fridge, a meal plan, and a Sharon, those 5 mugs comprised our entire dish collection. And since we were expecting chemical reactions, we didn't exactly bother to wash them out. Two were actually clean, two were clean under a thin layer of accumulated dust, and one was used daily to soak my retainer in denture cleaner.

The twist? Three mugs, one from each category, were identical except for Sharpie initials on the underside. Imagine our surprise when food coloring and bleach turned out to be a half gallon of strawberry ice cream and a box of plastic spoons. A good hostess is quick on her feet (never mind the washes her dishes bit), so I figured I could just hold on to the retainer soaker, play with my food so it looked like I ate it, and no one would be the wiser.

Except that somewhere in the dishing up ice cream process, I ended up with the wrong identical mug. Realizing the mistake, I tried to surreptitiously peak at the bottoms of everyone else's mugs (just imagine that for some visual comedy), hoping against hope that roommie ended up with it and I could, you know, send her a warning look. But no. I found it just in time to see army home teacher scraping the sides. And then he started licking the sides. What was I supposed to do at that point? Tell him? It seemed a little late for that. Luckily my poker face lasted just long enough to get back into the stairwell before I busted up laughing.

And so, dear army home teacher (if you're reading this), I'm ever so sorry I mildly poisoned you with a residue of denture cleaner and plaque. And to all my other friends, I swear I've never fed you anything disgusting like that... unless you appear in the next episode of Greatest Hits.

Today I learned

why Americans and Europeans use their forks in different hands. Turns out it's because France was only beginning to accept fork usage into polite society when the future US was colonized and gained independence. So in other words, France made up a bunch of rules to make it acceptable, and America liked forks before they were cool.

And also, we possibly eat like Davy Crockett or Daniel Boone. Because we're frontier cool like that.

My New Hobby

Not an action shot since it takes 3 students to launch it and I can't post pics of them :)

Launching apples from a working trebuchet. They make such a satisfying splat on the pavement! And what makes it even better? Having 25 ninth graders right there watching to clean up the mess for you. Some days I love my job :)

Be Careful What You Wish For

Because it just might turn out to be a 4 foot long gopher snake.

Last November, my roommate told me that they kept getting mice in the house the previous winter. I definitely spent the next several months crossing my fingers and knocking on wood that I hadn't seen any yet. Today I met my benefactor: a non venomous snake in the yard. I'm one part fascinated, 2 parts grossed out, and about a half a part grateful for his rodent disposal services. I guess all told a snake in the yard is waaaaay better than mice in the pantry, right?

This Dude is Definitely Flyfishing in my Driveway

Although what he intends to catch, I cannot say. Field mice? Magpies? Spring fever?

And in Awkward Grading News...

I just read an essay that described FDR as "such an aroused man."

...

I know I should support students who try to use the thesaurus, but all I could think was "Darn him and his frisky polio wheelchair!"

There Go All My Plans...

My hairdryer died yesterday (after a decade of faithful service), so I picked up a replacement today. The new one came with 15 Important Safety Instructions, including "6. Never use while sleeping," "7. Never drop the appliance," and my number one favorite "13. While using the appliance, keep away from your hair."

Thanks. I'll try to keep that in mind while I'm blow-drying my hair.

This kid is getting so many points!

Since I only ever posted terrible (but funny) test answers from that school in Nevada, here's a hilarious (and also correct) test answer from my better school. The bonus question was "What are some things that would not exist without the Columbian Exchange?" Most students just wrote "peanut butter and honey sandwiches and pizza," but this one really went the distance:

"Pumpkin pie, Starbucks coffee shops, pineapple-flavored Greek yogurt, Pina Coladas, non-alfredo pizzas and spaghetti, Nutella on toasted white bread with marshmallows and bananas and diabetes, the potato blight in Ireland that caused so many Irish to come to America meaning America would have less red-haired people and all would be lost without that cultural diversity! Vanilla ice cream and chocolate ice cream, tomato basil chicken sandwiches, creamed corn, tomato-throwing to reward poorly performed Shakespeare plays, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (you know, since they have names of European painters and they eat pizza), Age of Empires video game, and honey-nut Cheerios. We'd have no way to easily and happily lower our cholesterol from the Nutella-diabetes-toast!"

Can you tell this class is right before lunch?

Happy Valentines Day!

From some of the world's funniest dictators. Enjoy!

Or for the more literary-minded among you:

That's another one off the bucket list!

So I searched myself on Google again, and it's just amazing to see how the internet keeps up on my latest achievements! Recently I've starred in several German made-for-TV movies,

taught those brats from Toddlers in Tiaras a thing or two,


become an equestrian stunt rider,


and masqueraded as a very unfortunate looking British MP.

Seriously, guys. There were multiple pictures of this man. Should I be worried?

Meg Ryan Lied to Me!

"You've Got Text!" just doesn't have the same ring to it

I know, I know. You're all as shocked as I was to discover that chick flicks and real life are different things. Nonetheless, it's still a bummer whenever you rewatch a beloved classic only to realize that "Wait! I've lived the first half of that movie, and it wasn't nearly as charming without all the cameras and set designers!"

Haven't all we literary types been charmed by the idea of a secret correspondence? She gets to know his witty and thoughtful side, and he falls for her hook, line, and personality. Right? Right? In this classic cinematic romance, meeting is really just an afterthought and chemistry is a guarantee.

The somewhat disappointing reality of smartphone dating means that every blind date starts with a textual correspondence, and it turns out there's really not that much to say to someone you've met a maximum of once. Somewhere between the fourth and the four thousandth buzz, you start to dread the next message and wonder if he's as apathetic about this conversation as you are.

And then you start to over think it. You ask your friends if they've ever been sick of someone they've never met. No? Felt like they were being nagged by a needy girlfriend after one date?*

I suppose the moral of this story is the same as the moral of every early dating story: It's okay** to leave the other person wanting more. Let me be a little curious, and for mercy's sake, please don't kill the mystery before I have time to actually like you!

Speak of the devil; I just got another text...

*with a GUY!
**it's better than okay. It's a great idea!