So, This Happened Today

I got a text from a guy that I will be saving for a long, long time (the text, not the guy). I'm saving it because he's finally given me the perfect response for tactless people who ask if I'm "still" single because I'm too picky.

It's a picture of giant sheep testicles captioned "wish you were here!"

And that, folks, is what meeting people in the 21st century has come to. I rest my case.

Meg Ryan Lied to Me!

"You've Got Text!" just doesn't have the same ring to it

I know, I know. You're all as shocked as I was to discover that chick flicks and real life are different things. Nonetheless, it's still a bummer whenever you rewatch a beloved classic only to realize that "Wait! I've lived the first half of that movie, and it wasn't nearly as charming without all the cameras and set designers!"

Haven't all we literary types been charmed by the idea of a secret correspondence? She gets to know his witty and thoughtful side, and he falls for her hook, line, and personality. Right? Right? In this classic cinematic romance, meeting is really just an afterthought and chemistry is a guarantee.

The somewhat disappointing reality of smartphone dating means that every blind date starts with a textual correspondence, and it turns out there's really not that much to say to someone you've met a maximum of once. Somewhere between the fourth and the four thousandth buzz, you start to dread the next message and wonder if he's as apathetic about this conversation as you are.

And then you start to over think it. You ask your friends if they've ever been sick of someone they've never met. No? Felt like they were being nagged by a needy girlfriend after one date?*

I suppose the moral of this story is the same as the moral of every early dating story: It's okay** to leave the other person wanting more. Let me be a little curious, and for mercy's sake, please don't kill the mystery before I have time to actually like you!

Speak of the devil; I just got another text...

*with a GUY!
**it's better than okay. It's a great idea!

Because French androgyny is so much better than regular type

Thoughts I had while watching today's Cleveland vs. Chicago game... peripherally... very peripherally:

Wait, why is there a girl playing for the Bulls?

Oh crap! It's a man, and we're wearing the same hairstyle!

Oh, he's French, so I guess that makes it okay.

I am officially 100 years old

Today on campus at BYU I spotted a lost little freshman, and offered to help him find his class. Then I recognized him as the valedictorian from White Pine High School class of 2009. For those of you who don't obsessively follow my life, that is the school where I taught last year... and knew him as a student. I felt like a dinosaur.

In other news, I am now taking 2 classes at UVU, 1 class at BYU, and 2 classes online from BYU, all in pursuit of a social studies teaching certification. I am currently certified in History and German, but I am in school again so I can upgrade to social studies which also includes geography, political science, economics, etc., and hopefully makes me more employable.

And since I am terrible at retro-posting and catching up on an entire summer at once, here is a brief list of this summer's highlights:
I moved back to Provo.
I went to Canada (and Washington) for the first time! (since I was born there!)
I got a boyfriend. Then I broke up with him.
I went to Manti a lot. Sometimes for all girl camping, once for the pageant.
I went to tons of weddings, all of which were lovely (how's that for impersonal ;)
I didn't take any pictures of anything... because I am a camera loser. Sorry!

EPIC Kitchen Failure!

This past Sunday a friend and I decided it would be a great idea to go up on campus and pick some fresh plums to make a plum tart. This especially seemed like a great idea because I did it last summer with some friends from the campus tree crew, and it was possibly the most beautiful dessert I have ever created. And it tasted okay, too.

So this time we picked the plums from the very same trees, and made the tart using the very same recipe, but there were some significant circumstantial differences, the first being that my current abode is about 30 degrees hotter inside than last summer's. We first noticed something was amuck when the pie crust was roughly the consistency of chocolate chip cookie dough, most likely owing to the fact that the Crisco was more than half way to melted in that sweltering kitchen. This made it impossible to make the tart walls stand up properly, so we decided that plum cobbler would be a better idea. Just throw the pastry dough on the top, and it's a whole different dessert! Right?

My neighbor suggested that since we switched desserts at the last minute, we should call it Plum Surprise, and boy was I surprised to see that plum dessert coming right back up the hatch on Monday morning! and afternoon! and evening! I'm pretty sure the plum cobbler is to blame because it is the only thing I ate between Sunday lunch and Monday surprise. Luckily, the friend who helped me make it was also the only other person who ate it, so only two of us spent our Mondays wallowing in the misery that is epic kitchen failure.

"Mother sheep! You're disgusting!"

My German class makes me laugh so hard I cry at least once a week, but these gems from Friday are just too good to pass up. At the start of class, we were discussing the gum-piercing habits of some of my favorite Germans (how does that not get infected? I mean, seriously, gingivitis... other mouth nasties.... anyway). In answer to the question "what would you tell your friend if they asked you to get a gum piercing with them?" one of the girls searched around in her dictionary for awhile, and eventually exclaimed "Mutterschaf! Du bist eckelhaft!" (Mother sheep! You're disgusting!" ) Contrary to my initial belief, she wasn't coming up with swearing substitutes. She just doesn't know the difference between 'ew' and 'ewe.' Her partner decided to respond in kind by telling her he's hardcore enough to get just such an oral decoration and came up with the greatest misspronunciation ever: "Ich bin so stark ich scheisse Waffen!" instead of "... ich schiesse Waffen." (Roughly translated "I'm so strong I s*** weapons" instead of "I shoot weapons"). Dang. You are hardcore. I'm not even sure if Chuck Norris can pull that one off.

In other news, yes Chuck Norris jokes are still wildly popular here, yes they do think Napoleon Dynamite is funny, but just not for the same reasons I think it's funny, and yes, that student's father did send me a good morning text on Friday. Most definitely the worst way I've ever woken up, including the time Jake turned my mattress upside down and dumped me on top of the trashcan.

So......Grossed.....Out.......

I have a lot of updates which I need to write, but first, let's pause while I hold back the vomit. A parent just called me to talk about his son's detention, and ended up hitting on me. And I quote "You know Mikey's mom and I are divorced right? You know I don't have a girlfriend right? So you can call me anytime day or night and we can talk about Mikey's behavior or about politics or personal stuff, because I'd really like to spend some time with you." By that he apparently means more time than the 15 minutes in line at Subway the first and only time I ever met him.

For starters: you are old. For middles: I hate your son. I hear that Catholics, or maybe its Methodists of Presbyterians, get to choose one person in life to hate, and instead of that I came to grips with the fact that I will mildly detest one student per semester. Since I only get one, I have to choose carefully. Your son is him. For lasts: you are still my father's age. And from Ely, though I have since been informed that if I have any interest in digging for local gold, that would be the most profitable mine. Ew.

Happier updates include I passed my last performance review with flying colors ("For a first year teacher, you've really got your poop in a scoop!" and "Now I wish that I had put my daughter in your class"), I had a lovely mission reunion (which included finding out that one of the people I taught had a terrible accident and got amnesia, but I just got an email back from him letting me know that he is doing much better and he does in fact remember my companions and I ... and that he is a member of the Kirche Jesu Christi der Heiligen der Letzten Tage), I got to go to Saturday morning General Conference (which was a great session, enhanced by Martha's great seats!), I spent time with Paula and Brian, Jordan and Bridger, and stayed with Martha's, and there are only 23 and three quarters hours left until Spring Break. I feel much better now.

Disneyland, Impulse Buying, and Guys Who Won't Leave Me Alone

I had a three day weekend over Halloween, so I went to California to visit Jake, Grace, and Evie. I had a great time, loved being out of Ely for a few days, got the longest haircut of my life, and we all went to Disneyland on Halloween. It was so fun! Grace dressed Evie up as a kitty cat, and we all took turns chilling with her while the other two went on rides.

Evie and I came out of the Monsters Inc ride just as a little show was ending, so we got in line to take a picture with Mickey. Woody and Cinderella were also doing pictures there, and Cinderella wanted a picture with the cute little kitty cat, so we ended up with two character shots!

Evie was a little bit absorbed in Cinderella's costume, so the picture didn't work out quite as well. It still proves that my niece is the cutest, though :).

While there, I also played around with Jake and Grace's Wii Fit...which ties nicely into today's impulse buy: a Wii with Wii Fit! I finally have a real job, a little extra cash in my real adult budget, and I live in Ely for crying out loud! So I decided I needed to buy myself a super nice Christmas present this year... that and it is wicked cold here, so there's no way I'm going outside to exercise all winter long. Three cheers for impulse buying.

And last but not least...2 of the guys in my ward were at my house until midnight last night, which really messed up my sleep schedule. One of said gentlemen just so happens to be the I-just-haven't-happened-to-go-to-college-yet-but-now-I'm-planning-on-community-college-someday 22 year old who is about to win the 2008 Hit-on-Emily-a-thon. Nothing against recent RMs, but they really don't know how to take no for an answer. My roommate called him last night to thank him for helping her with her car, and he invited himself and a friend over for dessert and a movie. It was way fun to have people over and pretend like we actually have friends in this town... and hey, as long as he deludes himself into thinking he has a chance, maybe he'll keep helping us be friends with the few other YSAs in this town!

Girls only like guys who have skills

And here are a few examples of the extraordinary skills I require:

Mad College Skills
As evidenced by the unsuccessful, but oddly persistent, advances of the 2o-something career construction worker in my ward. He became too intimidated for words when he found out that I graduated from BYU (gasp! The PROVO one!) in less than 8 years.

Minimal Verbal Communication Skills
As evidenced by the 25 year old BYU-I graduate in my ward whose mother, father, and three youngers sisters have decided that we are getting married. In the six weeks of church, FHE, and a few family dinners together, he has spoken once. Total. He said "I don't know" when I asked if there was FHE tomorrow.

General Being a Nice Person Skills, or Not Having Turrett's Skills
As evidenced by the recently returned missionary in my ward who periodically shouts "Make that goal or I'll murder you!"

Not Being 5 Years Younger Than Me Skills
As evidenced by my newly adopted younger brother who graduated from high school last year and is currently putting in his mission papers.

Who ever knew my standards were so impossibly high....

The Deliquent Blogger

That's me! I figured that since it's been three weeks since I moved, and also non-coincidentally three weeks since I posted, I could officially be considered delinquent. But it's not entirely my fault, as I still don't have internet at my new place. It was supposed to get connected yesterday, but everything seems to take a bit longer than schedule here.

For starters, let me introduce you to my manliest boyfriend yet:

He is the mascot for one of Ely's more reputable casinos. Also, he's not a real person, but that's an issue for another day. Work is going well, as in I really do like being a teacher, albeit stressful. Suffice it to say that being a first year teacher with three 90 minute preps wouldn't leave me enough time for a social life even if I didn't live in Ely.

Speaking of social life in Ely, last Sunday I managed to get hit on twice at church functions and eat dinner with a family in the ward that is trying to set me up with their son. Granted, one of the guys that hit on me wasn't entirely mentally there and the other one couldn't have been a day over 21 (And I'm being generous), but that's much better than I expected from this town.

I live in the second floor of a cute old house that has all new furniture and carpet, and one of the other new teachers from Reno lives there with me. Our bathroom is on the hospital green side of ghetto, but that and our persistent lack of internet are the only complaints. Grading papers and watching movies (hurrah for Netflix) are my main to only passtimes here, so don't everybody call me at once or anything. Oh! I forgot laughing at my crazy neighbor. That's my other new hobby. Last night he drove his truck around his house (he usually parks it in his backyard) and parked it in our communal side yard facing the street with the front bumper about a foot away from my roommate's Passat. I think it was a threat. I'll keep you updated.