The Punniest Class in the World

School is done for the year (and there was much rejoicing!), and I'm regretting how many of the gems from my punniest US history class I didn't record, but here are the top few I remember:

One day I was explaining about how the Nazis were so stylish because Hugo Boss, and to a lesser extent Coco Chanel, designed their uniforms when...

Student A: So you're saying the Nazis had swag?
Me:Oh yeah, they had loads of swag.  They were the sexy men in uniform of the 1930s.
Student B: You mean... swagstikas?

Let's hope the German exchange student visiting us that day understands American humor...

Or the other day when they were trying to convince me to get a Tumblr:

Student: Then you'll learn cool school puns, like how when you get mad you can say "Oedipus!"
Me: Um.... what does Greek tragedy have to do with my anger?
Student: You know, like a school appropriate version of MOTHER EFFER!!!!

The worst part? Now I can't stop saying "Oedipus Rex!" every time I get frustrated.

Wins and Fails of the Epic Variety

First the bad news. Remember those horrible test answers I used to get in Ely? Last week I got a new worst test answer ever.

The questions was an easy one for bonus bonus points: "If you could award a Nobel Peace Prize to anyone we've studied this year, who would you give it to and why?"  The answer (in a US history class, mind you)?  "George Washington, because he was a good leader/general and he helped the North win the Civil War."

*crickets*

And to think... the answer started out so well. 

And now for the good news: two of my AP students made this epic rap battle between Richard Nixon and Andrew Jackson for their final project. It's so awesome and also terrible but the good kind of terrible. Enjoy!

 

Disclaimer for Steve-o: the students in the video are the ones who put it on YouTube, so me reposting it is totally legit. Kthxbai.

And then she went all Dead Poets Society in the lunchroom

She looked mostly like this ... but a girl ... and with a pink fauxhawk, a mini skirt, and combat boots.

You know what makes your day after a good self-esteem crushing parent?  A visit from an old student who just stopped by to tell you thank you for helping her get a five (the highest possible score) on her AP test. 

You know what makes your week after two self self-esteem crushers?  When that student hugs you and tells you she's taking AP classes at her new high school this year and it's made her realize you were "freaking amazing and also awesome." 

You know what makes your year?  When she then jumps up on the lunchroom table in the middle of your current AP students and yells "Attention peasants!  This lady (throwing her arm back to gesture towards you)  Knows.  Her.  S--t!  She got me a FIVE on the AP test, so you guys should TRUST her. Because she is AMAZING.  And also awesome.  So listen.  That is all." And then the lunchroom gives her a standing ovation.

You know what the best bit was?  That the only part of this I borrowed from Dead Poets Society is the picture.  I might have to quit teaching right now because I'm fairly certain this cannot be topped.  Thank you former student whose name I'm omitting because you're still a minor!  You are the absolute best!

Looks Like the Students Found Me

Apparently I'll be teaching courses in Remedial Toilet Papering next semester, because they seriously need one.  I worry for a generation that can't even pull basic pranks properly...

My New Hobby

Not an action shot since it takes 3 students to launch it and I can't post pics of them :)

Launching apples from a working trebuchet. They make such a satisfying splat on the pavement! And what makes it even better? Having 25 ninth graders right there watching to clean up the mess for you. Some days I love my job :)

And in Awkward Grading News...

I just read an essay that described FDR as "such an aroused man."

...

I know I should support students who try to use the thesaurus, but all I could think was "Darn him and his frisky polio wheelchair!"

This kid is getting so many points!

Since I only ever posted terrible (but funny) test answers from that school in Nevada, here's a hilarious (and also correct) test answer from my better school. The bonus question was "What are some things that would not exist without the Columbian Exchange?" Most students just wrote "peanut butter and honey sandwiches and pizza," but this one really went the distance:

"Pumpkin pie, Starbucks coffee shops, pineapple-flavored Greek yogurt, Pina Coladas, non-alfredo pizzas and spaghetti, Nutella on toasted white bread with marshmallows and bananas and diabetes, the potato blight in Ireland that caused so many Irish to come to America meaning America would have less red-haired people and all would be lost without that cultural diversity! Vanilla ice cream and chocolate ice cream, tomato basil chicken sandwiches, creamed corn, tomato-throwing to reward poorly performed Shakespeare plays, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (you know, since they have names of European painters and they eat pizza), Age of Empires video game, and honey-nut Cheerios. We'd have no way to easily and happily lower our cholesterol from the Nutella-diabetes-toast!"

Can you tell this class is right before lunch?

Gainful Employment

Starting August 16th, I now have it. Yay! I got the official "on paper" (which is to say "on PDF") offer today. I'm super excited to be at Summit Academy next week, and I'm looking forward to a great first year with them.

That's My Kind of Failure!

One month ago I took a Praxis II test for Social Studies. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a practice test. It is the teacher equivalent of the bar exam. Except that this is my third one. And I still have to take one more. Anyway, the social studies one was pretty beastly, as in it was a very poorly written test. I also thought I had failed it, so I wondered if my critique was fair. Now that I have a gold embossed certificate declaring me the nation's top scorer, I feel qualified to criticize that sorry excuse for test writing.

What was not the second most important objective of the Crimean War? Anyone? Bueller? How about analyzing the effect of the French Revolution on the Mexican national anthem? If history's not your forte, try naming the three areas of the brain most involved in processing economic thought. In descending order. Anyway, the point is, the test did what all multiple choice tests do: it completely disregarded the test takers' content knowledge (which is ironic because the name of the test is Social Studies: Content Knowledge) and measured only the candidate's multiple choice testing skills. So thank you, federally mandated testing monopoly. Thank you for charging me two hundred dollars to tell me that I am a perfect test taker. Guess I'd better go update my resume!

I am officially 100 years old

Today on campus at BYU I spotted a lost little freshman, and offered to help him find his class. Then I recognized him as the valedictorian from White Pine High School class of 2009. For those of you who don't obsessively follow my life, that is the school where I taught last year... and knew him as a student. I felt like a dinosaur.

In other news, I am now taking 2 classes at UVU, 1 class at BYU, and 2 classes online from BYU, all in pursuit of a social studies teaching certification. I am currently certified in History and German, but I am in school again so I can upgrade to social studies which also includes geography, political science, economics, etc., and hopefully makes me more employable.

And since I am terrible at retro-posting and catching up on an entire summer at once, here is a brief list of this summer's highlights:
I moved back to Provo.
I went to Canada (and Washington) for the first time! (since I was born there!)
I got a boyfriend. Then I broke up with him.
I went to Manti a lot. Sometimes for all girl camping, once for the pageant.
I went to tons of weddings, all of which were lovely (how's that for impersonal ;)
I didn't take any pictures of anything... because I am a camera loser. Sorry!

T minus 71 hours and counting!

I just thought the world should know that I made it through the school year both alive and mostly sane! And there are only 71 more hours left until I move!!!!!

Oh, and the best answer EVER came in on the US history final. The question was about various groups connected with the Civil Rights movement. Drum roll please....
"Well at this time many people hated the Jews, and many blacks were Jews, so they decided to get together and form the Nation of Islam to fight for their right to get abortions."
There you have it: A Muslim is really just a black pro-choice Jew.

I have failed as a history teacher.

Kissing this Town Goodbye

... Except without the kissing part. I gave a smidgen of thought to an appropriate farewell for this one of a kind place that has grudgingly housed me for the last ten months. I contemplated How do I loathe thee? A farewell to Ely, but that sounded too bitter and the form was pretty strict. Turns out sonnets, even sarcastic ones, are still out of my reach. Instead I give you the second failed attempt: poetry almost as low class and dim-witted as the adults who inspire it.

A lyrical adieu to the Silver State

Farewell to jackets Confederate and straight
Farewell to terrorists and the local KKK
Farewell to creeps, both the young and the old
Farewell to fridges all covered in mold
Farewell to students who wet in their desks
Farewell to mutant biological pests
Farewell to Voldemort and his shiny bald head
Farewell to the lamp that won’t light above my bed
Farewell to the secretary who ne’er learnt my name
Farewell to the German class panties of fame
Farewell to sandwiches crafted for ‘Hon’
Farewell to children who ask me for rum
Farewell to the irony I call Escape
Farewell to dressing like Severus Snape
I’m packing the car, I’m defying the odds
By deliberately getting the heck out of dodge

Remember when I just quit my job?

I officially notified the principal and superintendent, as of 8:08 this morning, that I will be leaving at the end of my contract this June. Just FYI.

Clearly math is not your forte

From an essay on our WWII test "Hitler went all crazy and killed thousands of people, six million of which were Jews."

"The Don't Quit Your Day Job Broadway Review"

And don't fault me for being the mean one, because that is the actual name of the school musical I just got home from. Highlights included a deaf girl singing "Goodmorning Baltimore" mostly on key, watching awkward ponytail kid try to dance like a hippie, and daydreaming about the new X-Men movie I saw last night instead of the A for Effort community theater in front of me. Lowlights included a troupe of pre- and mid-pubescent boys sing the part of Elphaba in "Defying Gravity," watching awkward ponytail kid try to dance like a hippie, and seeing my boss do the hula in nothing but a grass skirt and coconut bra. Believe it or not, a 3/4 naked Voldemort is a difficult image to purge from your mind.

"Mother sheep! You're disgusting!"

My German class makes me laugh so hard I cry at least once a week, but these gems from Friday are just too good to pass up. At the start of class, we were discussing the gum-piercing habits of some of my favorite Germans (how does that not get infected? I mean, seriously, gingivitis... other mouth nasties.... anyway). In answer to the question "what would you tell your friend if they asked you to get a gum piercing with them?" one of the girls searched around in her dictionary for awhile, and eventually exclaimed "Mutterschaf! Du bist eckelhaft!" (Mother sheep! You're disgusting!" ) Contrary to my initial belief, she wasn't coming up with swearing substitutes. She just doesn't know the difference between 'ew' and 'ewe.' Her partner decided to respond in kind by telling her he's hardcore enough to get just such an oral decoration and came up with the greatest misspronunciation ever: "Ich bin so stark ich scheisse Waffen!" instead of "... ich schiesse Waffen." (Roughly translated "I'm so strong I s*** weapons" instead of "I shoot weapons"). Dang. You are hardcore. I'm not even sure if Chuck Norris can pull that one off.

In other news, yes Chuck Norris jokes are still wildly popular here, yes they do think Napoleon Dynamite is funny, but just not for the same reasons I think it's funny, and yes, that student's father did send me a good morning text on Friday. Most definitely the worst way I've ever woken up, including the time Jake turned my mattress upside down and dumped me on top of the trashcan.

So......Grossed.....Out.......

I have a lot of updates which I need to write, but first, let's pause while I hold back the vomit. A parent just called me to talk about his son's detention, and ended up hitting on me. And I quote "You know Mikey's mom and I are divorced right? You know I don't have a girlfriend right? So you can call me anytime day or night and we can talk about Mikey's behavior or about politics or personal stuff, because I'd really like to spend some time with you." By that he apparently means more time than the 15 minutes in line at Subway the first and only time I ever met him.

For starters: you are old. For middles: I hate your son. I hear that Catholics, or maybe its Methodists of Presbyterians, get to choose one person in life to hate, and instead of that I came to grips with the fact that I will mildly detest one student per semester. Since I only get one, I have to choose carefully. Your son is him. For lasts: you are still my father's age. And from Ely, though I have since been informed that if I have any interest in digging for local gold, that would be the most profitable mine. Ew.

Happier updates include I passed my last performance review with flying colors ("For a first year teacher, you've really got your poop in a scoop!" and "Now I wish that I had put my daughter in your class"), I had a lovely mission reunion (which included finding out that one of the people I taught had a terrible accident and got amnesia, but I just got an email back from him letting me know that he is doing much better and he does in fact remember my companions and I ... and that he is a member of the Kirche Jesu Christi der Heiligen der Letzten Tage), I got to go to Saturday morning General Conference (which was a great session, enhanced by Martha's great seats!), I spent time with Paula and Brian, Jordan and Bridger, and stayed with Martha's, and there are only 23 and three quarters hours left until Spring Break. I feel much better now.

The Emily Cox Story: A Lifetime Original Movie

Sometime between the moment I left the principal's office this morning and the moment I realized he had just thrown me under a rapidly oncoming bus, it occurred to me that my family are all wrong: my life should never become a book; it should become a 3 1/2 hour long screenplay picked up exclusively by Lifetime! At first I envisioned it as the oft told story of the brave young teacher who moves to the middle of nowhere, changes every single student's life, finds her own true self, overcomes a few more obstacles for good measure, and falls in love with an astonishingly handsome young visitor. I, of course, would be played by Anne Hathaway, a young Sandra Bullock, or maybe that French girl from Amelie.

In the next 12 hours I discovered that my experience was the straw that broke the school rumormill's back, and by the time I trudged my way out of the ensuing backwash it was clear to me that this story is the other classic Lifetime movie plot -- the one where the courageous heroine gets slowly sucked into the small town's vortex of crazy until someone snaps and starts murdering people. I would still like to be played by Anne Hathaway, a young Sandra Bullock, or maybe that French girl from Amelie. All remains to be seen is who will do the snapping and murdering.

My money's on the beautiful and talented young teacher.

Mister Teen South Ely Anyone?

This is the word for word and letter for letter transcription of a student test answer I received today. The prompt was "In two paragraphs, discuss the motivation and importance of the Declaration of Independence. (Why Jefferson wrote it, what impact it had on the colonists, and what impact it had on England)." And no, he's not an English language learner. I swear.

"Importance of the Declaration of Independence, was to give English more independence and advantages. Also to have more of a organized environment. but that wasn't to important. At the time it was written, English need more to gain and that was something no one would think of. cause it was something diffrent to gain as much and accomplish as much that English did."

Yup... the English sure do need independence from those oppresive colonies!

And from the runners up:
"Jefferson wrote the Declaraion of Independence to make peace with the colonist and England. I think it had more impact on England then the colonist. To have colonies in America & being in England, I think England had more power for being in America as in England. I"

"The declaration taught the colonists realized that they had duty to their country. England realized that they were not happy with their old king and wanted something new."

I promise... I do actually teach them something...lots of kids got full credit... just not these ones...

Grateful for the small stuff

I meant to title this post "Addendum 43b" because the kid making sandwiches at Arby's today was one of my students who's been out sick for the last 4 days, but is still handling people's food. He may have just been running the register... I delusionally hope. I digress.

After a long day of dealing with all the crud in my kids' lives, I just feel really grateful that I'm not in any of their shoes. Two of the other teachers decided to call the sheriff about one girl's home situation because she comes in and tells all 3 of us everyday about how she spent all night taking care of her alcoholic mother. I think they made the right decision, but her life still isn't going to get much easier in the near future. I'm having to kick one student out of my class because she's just mentally snapped beyond the point where I can keep her in my class and try to help her because she's exploding every day all over everyone; I just lost another one who got arrested and will apparently be staying for awhile, and just this week figured out that my favorite underpriveliged hot shot can't read. He's good at playing things off and covering it up... either that or I'm just slow because he's been in my class since the start of the school year and I just now figured it out. I can't get him any special ed services because the district doesn't want to take on any more cases with the impending budget cuts, but the good news is that my inclusion teacher is willing to take him to her office and read tests and things out loud to him so he can at least do them... and he's willing to get over his pride enough to accept that help, so maybe this time around he will pass the class!