The Punniest Class in the World

School is done for the year (and there was much rejoicing!), and I'm regretting how many of the gems from my punniest US history class I didn't record, but here are the top few I remember:

One day I was explaining about how the Nazis were so stylish because Hugo Boss, and to a lesser extent Coco Chanel, designed their uniforms when...

Student A: So you're saying the Nazis had swag?
Me:Oh yeah, they had loads of swag.  They were the sexy men in uniform of the 1930s.
Student B: You mean... swagstikas?

Let's hope the German exchange student visiting us that day understands American humor...

Or the other day when they were trying to convince me to get a Tumblr:

Student: Then you'll learn cool school puns, like how when you get mad you can say "Oedipus!"
Me: Um.... what does Greek tragedy have to do with my anger?
Student: You know, like a school appropriate version of MOTHER EFFER!!!!

The worst part? Now I can't stop saying "Oedipus Rex!" every time I get frustrated.

How to visit the Great Salt Lake, or that time some random bikers stopped to cheer me on

See all that skooshy mud?  Cross it and you will lose a flip flop.

Last summer I decided that I'd lived in Utah too long not to start doing the things on my Unique Utah Adventures list.  First up? "Jump in the Great Salt Lake."  I think I'm far enough past the shock and trauma of it now to share some bits of wisdom from my experience:

• When your friend assures you that it "won't be that gross," you should probably factor in the difference between Eastern Idaho gross and real gross.  Change your mind accordingly.
• Do not, I repeat, do not go in late August when the water level is low and do not go near Saltair as this is apparently the grosser side of the lake.
• As you are climbing down the rocks past the giant spider colonies that exist to fuel Ron Weasley's nightmares (and eat the gigantic swarm of tiny flies now attacking you), you should probably start screaming a la The Parent Trap.
• When you remember the gigantic swarm of tiny flies now attacking you, you should probably switch from an open mouthed activity like screaming to a closed mouth activity like emitting high pitched squeaks. 
• Halfway through the gelatinous abyss between the rocks and the water you should change your mental phrasing from "jump in the Great Salt Lake" to "get to the Great Salt Lake" as it's pretty hard to jump anywhere when the only thing between you and filthy soul sucking swamp mud is your left flip flop. ProTip: Make ridiculously loud sounds of disgust every time your now bare right foot squelches into the muck.  It distracts you from questioning your own sanity.
• When you finally make it to the water, you should probably not hesitate to get right in, but if you do hesitate, now would be a good time to notice the gang of middle aged bikers cheering you on from the scenic overlook. Take it as a compliment when said bikers tell you that they pulled off of I-80 because they thought they heard someone drowning.
• Once you're in the water floating on your invisible inner tube (bum down, calves and arms on the surface), try not to remember that you're sitting in a giant vat of  sea monkies and enjoy the surreal experience of suppressing your gag reflex for a crowd of cheering strangers. 

Now complete that entire process in reverse and you're home free!  Maybe someday I'll get up the courage to move on to the second item on my list....

Evie Says the Darndest Things

Things she has said to me today:
Speaking of Cinderella, "Aw man! I let her get married once and everything was ruined!"
Responding to Chet saying he knows his A-B-Sixes, "Ain't no thang!"
When asked to hold her new baby brother David, "I dare you to do it instead."
When we finally got out of our traffic jam on the 215 tonight "Hot dang!  Time to drive fancy!"
From the depths of her imagination "Hey Em?  Why did God make the world?" Me: "Because he wanted a beautiful place for us to come and live." Her: "So what you're saying is, He forgot about Mars?"
When she walked into an occupied bathroom stall at the hospital today, "Hi!  I'm Evie.  This is my princess backpack.  I have another backpack at my house.  Do you want to see it?  My aunt is also in this bathroom.  Do you want to meet her?"  Random stranger who is sitting in that stall sans trousers: *blank stare of confusion*
And finally, "When David lived in my mom's tummy, he only liked to move when her legs were still.  That means he's nocturnal.  Is he nocturnal because he was a dinosaur?"

Also, this feels like the appropriate time to mention that Chet licked the floor of a Chick-Fil-A today.  It's probably best for these kids that I'm not in charge that often.

Looks Like the Students Found Me

Apparently I'll be teaching courses in Remedial Toilet Papering next semester, because they seriously need one.  I worry for a generation that can't even pull basic pranks properly...

Olympic Judging

One of the best parts the Olympic Games is the unique opportunity they provide to judge the naming skills of parents the whole world over. After the first two days of competition, here are the results of the Terrible Naming prelims:

Easily winning the first heat of Unintentionally Hilarious Foreign Names is gold medal favorite Dragan Stankovich of Serbia. As unfortunate as it is to have your name mean Malodorous Beastie, he wins incredible style points for correct usage of stank. He suffers a .2 point deduction for misspelling Dragon.

Are dragons supposed to have manes?

Current favorite in the Go Ahead Bob Costas. I Dare You race is Mongolia's Tsagaanbaatar Khashbaatar. His score is boosted by solid performances in the Awkward Consonant Combinations and Nonstandard Double Vowel categories, but rumor has it he may be disqualified for recycling two complete syllables.

He's a judo champion. Make fun of his name and he will probably wreck you.

And in the lead going into the Boy Named Sue finals we have Destinee Hooker of the United States. Her mother wins full points in both the Misspelled First Name and Obvious Child Hatred categories, with a 2 point bonus for exquisite Personal and Surname Coordination. Final round judges are expected to deduct .3 points for mispunctuation as it really should be Destiny: Hooker.

Forget you, Mom! My destinee is destroying people at volleyball.

We look forward to the medal round next week.

Sometimes the Awkward Isn't All My Fault

This is the story of how I got my world's worst driver's license picture, and before you say "oh come on, everyone has terrible driver's license picture," let me assure you that everything that follows is true. In fact, I almost included the picture in question just to prove it, but I can't do it. Apparently my willingness to self deprecate for the sake of a good story does know a few bounds, but I digress.

A few weeks ago, I went down to the DMV to get officially licensed as a Utah driver (I know. Sad day). The surprisingly friendly* clerk took my application, directed me to have a seat in the plastic chair, and started up an increasingly awkward conversation with me. It went something like this:

Clerk: Your last name is Cox? Is that your maiden name?

Me: *slightly disoriented because I don't usually think of it like that* Um... yes? I think...

Clerk: Do you have any family in Emery County?

Me: *disorientation is now amplified by the blinking flash on the camera* Nope. Not that I know of. I mean is that by Manti? Because if so, then yes.

Clerk: That's right by Manti. So you know Frank? And Judy?

Me: Oh. I should probably specify here that we're not that closely related and I've never met any of them. I think they're distant cousins through the other wife back in polygamist days.

Clerk: That's funny, because speaking of cousins and polygamists, my wife's maiden name is Cox and her parents were first-and-a-half cousins!

Me: *makes the face that you're making right now. It's one part confusion (first-and-a-half?!?!), one part revulsion (tries to figure out if that qualifies as incest), and one part general DMV awkward face*

Clerk: *click* Looks like a ... good ... picture. Head on over to booth 6 for your test and have a great day!

And that, my friends, is how to take an awkward driver's license photo like a pro.

*He may have been messing with me, but if so, it was highly effective. Good on ya, moderately gruntled civil servant!

Today I learned

why Americans and Europeans use their forks in different hands. Turns out it's because France was only beginning to accept fork usage into polite society when the future US was colonized and gained independence. So in other words, France made up a bunch of rules to make it acceptable, and America liked forks before they were cool.

And also, we possibly eat like Davy Crockett or Daniel Boone. Because we're frontier cool like that.

Happy Valentines Day!

From some of the world's funniest dictators. Enjoy!

Or for the more literary-minded among you:

That's another one off the bucket list!

So I searched myself on Google again, and it's just amazing to see how the internet keeps up on my latest achievements! Recently I've starred in several German made-for-TV movies,

taught those brats from Toddlers in Tiaras a thing or two,


become an equestrian stunt rider,


and masqueraded as a very unfortunate looking British MP.

Seriously, guys. There were multiple pictures of this man. Should I be worried?

Finland is the best country because...

It's midsummer and high time to show some love to the Northern countries, so without further ado, here are some suggestions for how to complete the above sentence:

... they host the annual World Wife-Carrying Championships, and the winner of this obstacle-strewn sprint takes home his wife's weight in beer. Which leads me to ask, is it better to take a light wife so your chances of winning are better, or a heavy one so winning is more worth it?

... they don't just host the World Berry-Picking Championships, they divide them into 5 different classes. So if you are a hermaphrodite born in 1995 in possession of a rake, I suggest you high tail it to Finland to claim all five of your gold medals.

... Newsweek named them the Best Country in 2010, and if Newsweek says it, it must be true.

... Forbes and Gallup named them the world's second happiest country in 2010. The same poll ranked Libya at number 3, and we all know that civil wars and revolutions are excellent happiness indicators.

... they herd reindeer.

... if you are torn between your love of Ikea and your love of the sixties, Finland is the place for you.

... and did I mention the World Air Guitar Championships, World Mobile Phone Throwing Championship (complete with a freestyle category for the choreographically minded among you), and the naked 5k? *Warning: If you now have or in the past have had a sensitivity to saggy old man bottom, do not click that last link*

... sometimes it looks like this:

Want

Really, really want. Too bad it's a piece of installation art in a museum somewhere.

Love

For these two guys. Fifth year please? Pretty please?

Dear Friends in Bahrain

Dear Friends in Bahrain,

I just discovered the "Stats" tab here on Blogger, and was pleasantly surprised to find that after Americans, you guys are my biggest fans! Now I say surprised because I'm not aware that I know anyone from, in, or who frequents your small, gulf nation. Known for your pearls, oil, and protests, I was flattered to discover that you celebrated my 18th birthday by offering women the vote and legally saving us all from the embarrassment that is line dried underwear, but a bit dismayed to learn that your national sport is drag racing. We were getting along so well for awhile there. Ah well, only time will tell if my love of a good royal family can surmount my growing fears that you might be terrorists or, dare I say displaced Nigerian princes?

Best of luck in your future internet endeavors,

Emily

101 Ways to Stay Busy in Smalltown America

So my brother is in med school in a town that he and his wife affectionately dub the middle of nowhere. I beg to differ, and I have the US Highway Division (not to mention national Wal*Mart distribution) on my side. Regardless, rather than buy them something to pack back with them after Christmas, I made them a list of 101 ways not to get bored. Ninety-Seven of them come from either my own experience or my own imagination.

Foreword: The best way not to get bored might be to skip reading this list....but there are a couple of gems hidden in there, you know, for when it's 3 am and you run out of things to see on Failblog.

1. Do all “50 Things to do at Wal*Mart,” since, you know, you have one.

2. Come up with your own nicknames for all local landmarks. Insist on giving directions ONLY using these secret code names. Feel free to use personal references like “Pete’s old place.” The actual existence of a Pete, while considered a bonus, is completely unnecessary.

3. Do not underestimate the importance of this step: watch TNT weekend marathons, especially when it’s House or Psych.

4. Haunt the bathrooms of the local Taco Bell. Keep stats on which employees actually wash hands before returning to work. Change your consumption habits accordingly.

5. Take a different route to work/school/church every time. This eats up huge chunks of time both devising the routes and actually taking them, since you will have to get creative after the first two days.

6. Grocery shop in alphabetical order. Crisscrossing the store as often as possible burns time and calories!

7. Rank the local bums in order of most likely to least likely to sleep on your lawn. Keep score in the manner of a March Madness pool.

8. Use the word ‘denizens’ as often as possible.

9. Inquire as to how many local restaurants have sombreros on hand. Find out what it takes to wear the sombreros, and take necessary steps to do so.

10. Attend hearings at traffic court. Bring ESPNesque posters to root for the defendants.

11. Check out the local cemetery. Write a newspaper review, being sure to rate it between one and five buzzards.

12. Write satirical letters to the editor every Tuesday and Friday. Deliver them by hand.

13. Hide treasure hunt clues in several library books. Make sure it’s one gigantic loop of no less than seventeen clues.

14. Attend all home high school basketball games. Always sit in front of the cheerleaders. Once you’ve learned the cheers (arm movements included), cheer along.

15. Get to know the clerks at the dollar store.

16. Map your escape routes in the event of every conceivable natural disaster. Don’t let your continental flatland status dissuade you from planning for tsunamis and volcanoes.

17. Memorize lists of commonly misspelled homonyms. Go around town with a Sharpie and correct the signs in the windows of all local businesses.

18. Obsessively make lists. Make sure each one has 101 entries.

19. Move the couch 1 centimeter to the right every day. See how long it takes your spouse or roommate to notice.

20. Play Secret Iron Chef by hiding a single theme ingredient in each dish of a three to four course meal. For an extra challenge, use your spouse or roommate’s least favorite vegetable as the secret theme, giving yourself a point for each dish they like, and deducting one for the opposite.

21. Choose your three ideal countries to visit, and celebrate ALL of their holidays for one year. For advanced revelry: speak in an appropriate accent on said holidays.

22. Collect one free sample paint card every time you go to the store. Attempt to cover an entire wall.

23. Buy and cultivate a Chia garden.

24. Search your local grocery store for DIY sausage and jerky kits. Purchase and use them.

25. Watch and paint along with episodes of Bob Ross’s “The Joy of Painting.”

26. Prep for item 25 with an at-home perm kit and a plastic pick.

27. In the event that items 25 and 26 fall short of their desired results, move on to plan B with an at-home art aptitude test from the Art Institute or mail-order paint by number kits.

28. Take up a portable stringed instrument, like banjo, guitar, mandolin, or ukulele. Practice in the park with your case open. Advanced level: do this while you still suck; call it an economic study on the dollar value of pity.

29. Observe Argyle Thursday, Casual Friday, and Sweatpants Saturday every week.

30. Argue with the ladies on the Home Shopping Network. Take their rebuttals personally.

31. Grow your own wheat grass. Try using it as a theme ingredient for item 20.

32. Experiment with dark purple nail polish.

33. Create your own juice of the month club. Try pairing it with different entrees and including a juice recommendation with all your recipes.

34. Visit every museum in a twenty-mile radius, even if a creepy old woman runs it out of her living room.

35. Send at least one holiday greeting card for each of the 365 Catholic saint days.

36. Stop attaching stamps to your mail. Instead, tape exact change to the top right corner of your envelopes. See how long it takes for your mail carrier to personally contact you with a brochure about stamps for sale.

37. Beat SuperMarioBros. 3 on the Wii.

38. Name your WiiFit trainer and invent his or her back story. Talk about this person in your every day conversations like an actual friend.

39. Try a new cheese every week. ‘Importing’ from outside the county is both acceptable and encouraged.

40. Plan your Halloween costumes for the next five years. Sew costumes and gather props.

41. Use the dictionary.com word of the day every day. If anyone ever calls you out on a malapropism, just claim to be studying for the GRE. Then sulk because they reminded you how badly you did last time.

42. Watch stupid human tricks on late night shows. Choose one from each episode to learn.

43. Consider doing the same thing with stupid pet tricks.

44. Use your laptop to film, edit, and burn your own at home workout DVDs.

45. Look for 7^th grade science project ideas online. Conduct the experiments in your apartment, and constantly refer to them as “my research.”

46. Run all your errands as a mime. Go in costume and paint your face for extra points.

47. If 46 goes well, research local busking laws and carry a tip jar with you on said errands.

48. Shrink-wrap your windows for the winter. In the springtime, tag the plastic with spray paint and wait for your landlord to notice before you take it down.

49. Write “XO from Greg and Christa” in the memo line of your rent and utility checks.

50. Do fun kids craft projects like find and make a recipe for homemade bubbles or playdough.

51. Learn to make granola and granola bars.

52. Write nice notes for people in sidewalk chalk all around town.

53. Actually read War and Peace.

54. Update old sayings in annoyingly tech-savvy ways, like “No need to reinvent the cell phone!” and “That’s the greatest thing since the IPod Nano!”

55. Crochet all your own winter accessories.

56. Rent a metal detector. Study all available maps from the US geological survey, choose a site, and have a competition to see who can find the weirdest or randomest object. Use the internet to help you identify all objects before the prize is awarded.

57. Learn about Feng Shui, and then do that to your apartment. For a bigger challenge, read Interior Design for Dummies and rearrange your furniture at the end of each chapter to reflect one of the design principles discussed therein.

58. Write your own new favorite novel.

59. Go Box Pulling (also known as Redneck Baiting). Tie a long string to an empty cardboard box. Place said box on the side-ish of a country road. Hide in the bushes and wait for a redneck to drive by. When the redneck swerves to hit the box, pull the string and watch them try to follow the box. Laugh maniacally.

60. Complete the Guerilla Art Kit.

61. Create your own board game. Like for reals. No wimpy 3^rd grade science fair poster boards here. Use real wood, plastic, and cardboard to create the board, pieces, cards, and rule sheets.

62. Take up whittling.

63. Learn to whistle while you whittle.

64. Memorize a tongue twister a day.

65. Write an epic screenplay based on either your board game, or your own life. If it’s the board game, try selling it to Pixar. If it’s your own life, find someone who knows a guy at Lifetime. Be sure to subtitle it “The Christa Cox Story” before you pitch it to him.

66. Become an online movie critic. For online movies. As in, watch and critique movies that have been out long enough to be on Netflix streaming. Publish your reviews online as if the movie were a new release.

67. Take up guinea pig husbandry.

68. Start a mail-order guinea pig business.

69. Invent an ASPCA approved method for shipping guinea pigs.

70. Write your own chain emails and send them to everyone you know. Make sure to put a whole bunch of > symbols and FWDs throughout the email so it looks legit.

71. Leave people notes from their future selves. Be sure to say positive and reassuring things like “turns out the space-time continuum is a lot sturdier than we thought. I’ve been back and forth seventeen times and haven’t had a single glitch yeeeeeeeeeeee….”

72. Learn the Dewey Decimal system and rearrange all your books and DVDs accordingly.

73. Realize how antiquated the Dewey Decimal system is and change it all over to Library of Congress.

74. Join Twitter.

75. Lose a little self-respect after completing number 74, and quickly cancel your account.

76. Learn another language, preferably with some cassette tapes that will both require you to find an actual Walkman and enable you to endlessly repeat inane foreign phrases everywhere you go.

77. Start a bug collection.

78. Cultivate an ant farm. Make sure they can’t see your new bug collection because it might freak them out.

79. Rewrite the scripts from terrible movies. I recommend starting with Van Helsing, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, and anything Keanu Reeves (Bill and Ted and Much Ado About Nothing excepted).

80. Operate a by-appointment shuttle service to the nearest airport, but only if it’s several hours away.

81. Consider expanding said operation into a one man taxi service. Reupholster your backseat in cracked vinyl and get a Cigarette scented Car Freshner to boost your authenticity.

82. Become a Wikipedia contributor.

83. Give up boredom for Lent.

84. Play chess against yourself, like the old man in the Pixar short.

85. Start a lemonade stand. If it goes well, start selling franchise rights to third graders all over town.

86. Invent the next fad diet.

87. Go star tripping. Go out into a dark-ish field and choose a bright star. Stare straight up at it and spin around 25 times. Stop spinning. Then have your partner in boredom shine a flashlight at you. Try to keep standing up.

88. Start your own political party. Carefully research your state’s minimum membership requirements, and try not to get discouraged that all the good names are already taken (see: National Barking Spider Resurgence Party).

89. Start an online advice column.

90. Chum the waters of your online advice column by sending in the first several questions yourself.

91. Become a karaoke rockstar.

92. Reinvent the wheel.

93. Become the world’s foremost living expert on semicolons; use this knowledge for good, not evil.

94. Memorize all of Hamlet’s monologues. Backwards.

95. Become an online survey-taker. You know, the kind where you get a 14 cent check for every product you test and complete a survey about.

96. Screen movies to find THE definitive worst movie ever. Dub your own MST3K sarcasm track.

97. Take an online martial arts course.

98. Figure out what flavor red velvet cake actually is.

99. Submit recipes for the backs of Pillsbury dough canisters. If you’re successful, try doing the same for all your favorite food brands!

100. Start a blog to chronicle your attempts at numbers 1 through 99.

101. Get a lucrative contract to convert your bloggéd anecdotes into a full-blown memoir. Should things look temporarily bleak on the book deal horizon, write the manuscript anyway and I’ll give you 5 bucks for the rights to it J.